Real Smooth

I was walking along, minding my business, when love came and hit me in the eye.

OK, it wasn't love at all. I was buying a chocolate croissant at a cart (I'm out of cereal; don't you dare tell me I should "just buy some more") and I turned around to continue my walk to work, when this girl says, "Hi."

Uh, hi.

"How are you?"

I'm good...

She was holding a thick blue binder, so I figured she probably wanted me to sign a petition or give money or something. She was also wearing scrubs...maybe she wants me to donate to her hospital? But there was no form on her binder, and she didn't look like she was getting any paper out.

"You're pretty."

Woah...WTF, as the kids say. Was she actually hitting on me? Do GIRLS actually hit on people in the middle of the street? I thought this was more or less the best thing our sex had going for us (besides not starting wars): We don't annoyingly cat call or hit on people. Maybe she just really wanted that croissant? I mean, it did look like a good croissant.

"You busy?"

Gee, I wonder. I mean, certainly most people clear their schedules around 9:30 AM. I find it's generally the best time to schedule my social events, and, really, if I'm walking outside at 9:30 AM, I'm probably just waiting for someone to pick me up. I find the walks invigorating and quite relaxing after a long, hard night's sleep.

I managed to break off and continue walking, when the girl's much butcher friend cuts me off.

"She says you already have a girlfriend. You have a girlfriend?"

Um...no? I don't want to be that total douche who goes "WoahwoahWOAH, I'm not into THAT! You can do whatever you want in the privacy of your bedroom, just keep it away from me!" Really, is there anything douchier? More evil, perhaps. But that's more or less the peak of douchedom. And even just saying, "Sorry, I'm straight" has a hint of that ughly insecurity. Although I think bumbling and looking scared really didn't do my image any favors.

If they were dudes, they would be in such trouble...dudes can't follow me and hit on me for two minutes when I'm clearly not interested. But chicks can get away with anything. And I wouldn't give up all the times I've used that to my advantage to lose a few minutes of early morning awkwardness. Heh heh.

Celebrities! I Want Celebrities!

Despite having a monster of a headache (if I actually vomit soon, I'll stamp it a migraine), I'm in quite a good mood. Tonight I met two of my favorite celebrities. Well, maybe "met" is a stretch, but I had contact with two handsome, smart, successful, opinionated-to-the-point-of-arguable-dickishness men in two VERY different professions. I stood within mere feet, nay inches, of Richard Dawkins and Michael Lucas.

Dawkins (young, studly, and pixellated here) was giving a talk at the New York Academy of Sciences on his new book, The God Delusion. I know a bunch of his arguments, so he didn't say too much that was new, but his deadpan-ish humor works very nicely in his voice. So that was a plus of seeing some of the more colorful passages performed live. Perhaps the greatest benefit was the conversation with some of my work buddies both before and after the talk. Lee and I discussed the differences between agnosticism and atheism and whether atheism is an arrogant position and any more tenable than religious belief. It was a good discussion, and I feel my brand of Godlessness and Dawkins's were expressed fairly well (they're not identical, but they certainly have common aspects). And Lee proved a very solid conversation partner. The dear-departed-boss was there with his very cool gf, so it was good to see and chat with both of them. I got Dawkins to sign my book, but as I was at the end of the line, he was a little grumpy by the time I got there. Still, I congratulated him on a good showing on the Report.

Michael Lucas (barely safe for work) was a more casual encounter. Greg had already informed me that he was to be leading gay men's chorus bingo a couple of block from where I live. I was walking back from the subway, and a cab turned, and the profile I saw in back was unmistakable. I did what any red-blooded internet-raised kid would do and followed that cab. He got off at the wrong corner and started looking around a little aimlessly. I tried to direct him, but by the time I got near, he was already getting directions on his cell. When he got off the phone, though, I introduced myself. I told him I was looking forward to his new film. I wonder if it freaked him out that I knew he was going to host bingo at the 9th Ave. Bistro. I kind of hope so. I like freaking people out that way.

And to add, um, compliment to physical intactness, one of the chicks from inkycircus left a positive comment over here. Check 'em out...they're one of the best science blogs out there. Although if you like science blogs, you've probably already seen a link to them from one of the folks at the Site of Power. Must always plug the site of power.

Exposed

I was at the coffee shop, attempting to read a beautiful book, which is beautiful more because it's insightful and thought-provoking and less because it's a fascinating story. Unfortunately, insightful and thought-provokig doesn't work that well with a deadline.

I looked up at the man sitting in front of me—white, 30-something, sexual orientation non-obvious—and saw that he was making a list. I couldn't read his monitor that clearly, but I saw that the list heading was "My fxxxx." What was that second word? It looked most like "fiance," but that didn't seem like a very good list title at all. So I looked at the items. The first one I saw was #13: "Age." What kind of list would have "Age" as an item? Then slowly, I began to make out others. #14: "Work." The first item started with an A and was a long word. #1: "Abandonment." #15: "Ugliness."

Ah yes. "My fears."

Good to know.

Slapstick is Dead?

Yesterday, life accidentally imitated art. Low, low art. We had a working brunch at the über-boss's swank apartment in the WV. Number one rule in your boss's swank apartment: Don't mess anything up.

Anyway, it was a lovely affair, and before leaving I headed to the bathroom, as I tend to do post-coffee + cider + mimosa. As I headed in, the intern coming out mentioned that the toilet was in a sort of continous flush spiral. There are worse things than I continuous flush, so I headed in. The toilet didn't seem to be flushing anymore, but as I went to flush, the handle wouldn't engage. I turned it in a few different directions, attempting to get it to catch, but after a few tries, it came off in my hands. Then the handle broke apart into two pieces. I screwed the top on and, realizing I couldn't screw the handle back onto the toilet, just stuck it on, figuring that's how it was to begin.

So I decided to flush the toilet manually. I lifted the porcelain top and tried to find the chain you pull to start the flush. But I hit something else first. A plastic tube snapped out of place and started SPURTING WATER ALL OVER THE BATHROOOM. I stuffed it back into place but it kept flipping out and spraying the floor. I creeped out of the bathroom and whispered to our branding guy to come help me. We eventually figured out how to get the tube snapped in, the toiled flushed, and we left the bathroom quietly. Hopefully the boss didn't suspect a thing...or at least understands. I hope. Yikes.

'Tis the Season

Autumn is a very precious time. It's the shortest of the seasons, with the possible exception of spring. OK, technically they're all the same length, but you know what a season feels like.

Winter lasts from mid-November to the end of March, more or less. It can come as early as late October and end as late as the beginning of May. Winter is the time when you're uncomfortably cold outside and the trees are lifeless. The air is crisp to the point of unable to carry smells. It's a huge portion of the year.

Summer lasts more or less from late June through the end of September. It can start as early as early May and can occasionally push itself through the first week or two of October. Summer is short sleeves. The air is hot enough that normally innocuous smells reek, hanging heavy in the air.

Spring and fall get pushed in the cracks. Usually during spring I'm just so excited for summer that I rush it a little. The most fun part of spring is seeing trees flower before they grow their leaves. The second most fun part of spring is beginning to smell the sweetness of plant life. It's always a little unclear whether you're smelling it because things are actually blooming or because the air can hold smells again. It's both, of course, and it's fabulous.

Fall...well, fall is awesome. I could never really appreciate it in school because I missed the freedom of summer and was still adjusting to the year, unable to believe that I hadn't gotten more of the year over with yet. Which isn't to say I didn't like school...I just liked summer a little better. And I was stressed. Now that my workload doesn't change between summer and fall, I can appreciate how beautiful the season really is. The air is wonderfully crisp but filled with wonderful smells: apples and burning wood. Trees change colors; is there anything more beautiful? Fashion is great...light jackets are so hot, and I'm still comfortable going outside in them. And the featured holiday of the season is Halloween. Halloween! It's the best holiday ever! Sure it has weird-ass religious origins, but right now it's sheer fun. All about creepiness, but not about REAL death, just about vampires and zombies and other forms of fake death.

Oy, speaking of real death. There was a man lying on the sidewalk by my apartment as I was coming home today. It was wholly unclear whether he was still alive. His face was red, which I guess was a good sign, but really, he didn't look too good. Luckily for my moral confusion, a man was already calling an ambulance. I never know when it's appropriate to interfere. I guess if someone's passed out at 6:30 pm, when it's still light out, and he's not a "usual" in a spot, it's probably time to dial up 911. The ambulance came after I got home, and I couldn't see whether he was conscious when they loaded him in. Upsetting.

On This Day of Atonement

I give you some dodecatonement.

I apologize for making you listen to it.