Friday, May 20, 2005

How to Feel Free

I recall someone mocking a survey that said Americans feel most free when driving their cars. Not when exercising our right to vote, not when waving banners or speaking out against government. No no, we feel freest when driving our cars. Well, of course we do...what do you expect? Freedom is a sense of possibility. Voting's so stuffy, and you can hardly feel the alternative while you're doing it. When we drive, we're in motion, we see stasis all around us, we're passing the earth in a race.

I exercised my favorite freedom tonight when I left the Last Chance dance without a word. For those wandering aboard, the last chance dance is a dance for the seniors that is theoretically our last opportunity to hook up with someone from our class. You put a down a list of "crushes" and if you match with someone, they tell you. I, of course, didn't match with anyone (save one friend who put his friends down), so I didn't have any person as a goal during the dance. I went for an hour, had some cheese that left me with atrocious breath, drank to get rid of breath, failed, danced for a bit, and walked out without saying goodbye to anyone. I love doing that. I feel so oppressed when I have to say goodbye...what a great feel to walk out. To realize that you'd rather be home than here and walk.

And now I feel depressed, sure, but I didn't feel any better at the dance.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

Tomorrow I have the infamous "final final." Once I hand in my (hopefully easy) music theory final, I will have completed the entirety of my academic responsibilities at Yale. I will, pretty much, be a college graduate. I'm of course having tons of regrets, smacking myself for not having more fun, actively going out and grabbing college and turning it into what I hoped it would be. That's not really my style, though...I can't make myself want to hook up with people and get drunk and be crazy. I can only want to want to hook up with people and get drunk and be crazy. Ah, me. There really were plenty of good things.

And just now I'm realizing that all the people will be scattered.

I said goodbye to Caleb tonight. Wow, was that intense. I've become really good friends with him in just the past few weeks, spending some good time talking with him about anything and everything. I like the boy a lot. Yeah, a lot. He's interesting and thoughtful and fun and unpretentious and open but not expulsive...just wonderful. He makes great eye contact, too...sexiest thing in a man, and rarer in straight men than I'd hope. Ay, alas...at least when I come down for Safety Mix shows and Glee Club concerts next year I can crash on his (currently my) couch. Bah, I tell you. Bah!

See, these are the kinds of posts you get when I have no friends on line. Moral: be a friend, come on line, don't make me write these posts. And the early bird gets the worm. That's the moral, too. Isn't it always?