But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain.
—Abraham Cowley
All right, I admit it: I took that from the Wikipedia entry, /Unrequited_love. So sue me.
Unrequited love is, like, one of the big emotions, right? Shakespeare! Dante! Hugo! Et cetera! They all took on unrequited love, holding it up as one of the most all-consuming, powerful feelings a person can have. Woe unto the man or woman struck with this affliction, for it can inspire you to great achievement, but all the while it tears out your heart. This is the reaction we have to unrequited love.
...OR IS IT?
What was the last reaction you had to someone who loved in vain? Was it, "Oh God, I'm so, so sorry for your suffering."? Was it, "Take this burning passion and sublimate it! Let it drive you."? Or was it, "Yeah, that sucks. But at least you know: He's married/gay/straight/not into you. Now get over him."? I'm betting on that one.
To everyone's credit, that is the healthiest response, getting over him. But I wonder why we believe this to be so overwhelmingly possible today, to the point where it's considered a sign of immaturity not to get over your crush? When did we delegitimize unrequited love? I don't think the feeling has gotten any less potent in the last 500 years (although I'd imagine the selective pressure for genes that help you get over crushes would be strong).
Kudos, then, to Barry McCrea. When I read this essay he wrote for Sex Week at Yale, I found it enormously refreshing. I haven't looked at it since it was published a year or two ago, but it's stuck with me throughout. (Looking at it again, now, I realize exactly how much it's stuck with me...and I again doubt Ms. Viswanathan's guilt. Anyway.) He acknowledges how bad it can be—see the friend who lost her job—without dismissing or demeaning it. I especially like his point that unrequited love takes you outside yourself...even though I'm not sure I agree with it. Yes, there is an external object, but your internal interpretation of this person is really the fixation, no?
In any case, I'd like to put in my vote for "unrequited love is serious shit." Sure, call it a silly crush. Dismiss it. Laugh about it. That's all necessary to save face. But if it persists and grows, know you're far from the first to have felt this way. Is it unhealthy? Hells, yeah. But your fellow invalids have a long history of producing great poetry and art. You're in good company, you pathetic puppy dog.
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3 comments:
Just saw this post.
You're right. While it is easy to just say, "get over it," to someone, literature and music recognize that one may never get over that one true, but unrequited love.
Dear Patrick,
I'm twenty years old and I thought about you today. That means I've thought about you everyday for four years. The smallest things remind me of you, but days like today are the hardest because if we'd ended up together I'd never have to know heartache. I would have never felt lonely or hopeless because with you everything would seem better, beautiful. Maybe it was God's intention so I would know how deeply I could feel, because as in love with you as I was, I could never know the depth of my heart till I lost you. Yet it is so hard to believe "everything happens for a reason" when I could never believe you were meant for someone else. I can't say for certain if I'm still in love with you, sometimes I think my love for you has just gone into a dormant state, where my heart is numb. I pray that one day someone will come along a make me forget you for just one day, but they all seem to remind me of you. You think you know how much you hurt me, but you could never know. You fell in love with someone else, how could you imagine the wholeness of my hurt? I'm waiting to hear about your engagement through the grape wine somehow. I'm not sure what that will do to me. I thought I was getting better, but the tiny fissures others make in my heart echo the rift you left through the core. I now fear only two things; that I could never love another and that no one could ever love me. If you, my truest of loves never loved me then how could anyone? I wish I had never fell into your green eyes, I wish you'd never made me laugh. Perhaps I wouldn't be as strong or aware, but I would be whole, and that's something I can never be again.
I’m writing this in hopes of forgetting you. I met you on a sunny afternoon as I sat alone on a school bus looking out the window lost in thought. You said hello and I looked up. I looked right into the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Eyes as green as emeralds and a smile as bright as the sun. I knew at that very moment my life would never be the same.
You invited me to join you and we began to talk. What a simple gesture and a wonderful friendship was born that day that would last over 20 yrs. I for the most part spending 15 of those years in love with you and not once have I voiced that to you.
It has been my cross to bear all these years. After high school we lost touch for 10 years but my love for you never once waivered. Then one day we connected on line and agree to meet . That night I fell in love with you all over. Time may have passed but you were even more beautiful than the last time I had seen you.
We dance the night away in a room full of strangers but to me there was only you and me. We parted that night in agreeing to keep in touch and we have. You are currently in a relationship and happy and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you how I felt. It wouldn’t be fair.
So in silence I have loved you and after all these years it looks like for the rest of my life I will continue loving you. After all one never forgets there first love.
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